Story of my life

I remember when we broke up the first time

saying, "This is it. I've had enough", 

cos like we hadn't seen each other in a month

when you said you needed space.

Then you come around again and say

"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me."

Remember how that lasted for a day?

I say "I hate you" we break up, you call me, "I love you."

New Feel Good Song

Finished watching Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy and this played in the end.

First Day + Magic Mike

I'm done with my first day of school yesterday and it drained the life out of me and my wallet! My first class was at 8am and my day ended at 9:10pm! What the flying fuck! I had the longest break ever and my second class was free cut. I ended up going to a friend's place with my other break-mates.

I thought the 2-day schedule was fine. I didn't expect it to be that tiring. I guess I'm still not used to waking up so early and coming home that late plus one of my classes really scared the socks out of me, too. It's my law subject and after our first meet, "very intimidated" is an understatement.

I watched Magic Mike today! I know I'm pretty late but it was awesome! The storyline was shit and I the Tarzan stripper kinda scared me. He looked like a cross between The Undertake and Mickey Rourke. Nevertheless, Channing Tatum and Matt Bomer were so pretty to look at. Matt Bomer, especially. The dance/strip numbers were really good, I was grinning all throughout their performances. I now have a high stripper standard.

According to the news there was a shootout in ATC. I can't believe that the South isn't that safe of a place anymore!

Train of Thought

PERSONAL DRAMA

On Living Alone + First Day Jitters

Lately I've been thinking about trying to live overseas for awhile, maybe while studying a short course. It's weird how I suddenly have these urges to live independently for awhile. Maybe it has to do with my current situation, I don't know. But it's always good to try and experience something new and a bit terrifying.

Here are a list of few places that I'd wish to live in for a bit. Experience new cultures, etc.

1. Hong Kong

The most plausible of all since it's just over an hour (I believe) or so away from Manila. It's not that expensive and it's a tiny area that I wouldn't feel like I'd get lost. I've been there twice or thrice and it has always been a pleasing experience.


2. London

Maybe it has got to do with my fascination and appreciation for a lot of British things: culture, accent, music, Jordan, love of my life... and wanting to sing the line "Just touched down in London town!" Lol. But seriously, I have this great interest in all things British especially their music. And it's an English-speaking country which means no communication problems! It's very far, though. And very pricey!

Excerpts

"For the first time in your life, you might have to make a conscious decision to be happy. You’ll have to actively work at maintaing a positive mindset, have to strain and sweat to even feel an ounce of “okay.” Before the terrible thing that happened to you, happiness was expected, an absolute guarantee. That was just one of the luxuries you lost.

It’s really cheesy but Michelle Williams once said after the death of Heath Ledger that “Grief is like a slow-moving river”, and it’s true. You’re never completely out of the woods; there will always be days that will feel like the first day. The goal is to face grief every time it says “Sup?” and be like, “What the fuck? You again? I thought I banished you after a year of therapy! Ugh, fine. What do you want to do today? Lie in bed and listen to sad songs all day? Fine! But you leave tomorrow!”

Things will never be like they once were. You’ll never be like you once were. But this is how things work, this is what life is all about. You were never the same after the first time someone broke your heart and you’ll never be the same after you experience a tragedy. These losses will change you in important ways. Now it’s your job to not let them swallow you up completely."

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/how-to-grieve/#E4WeeyWAJxMLT5ph.99

"You can walk by or be kicked out by the guards for vagrancy. You are staying too long. Before: her sparse yeahs and okays accented with periods (always with periods, you notice) occasionally garnished with a colon and parenthesis, backslash. This is all so meager; she’s not giving you much because she cannot, she is not able. Wait for the is typing… that never comes."

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-first-heartbreak/#lwh3GY2QdFrk6pKB.99

"Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them. Moving on is like one day, you’re walking or reading or drinking the sun and one of those footprints, one of those artifacts will creep into your consciousness, “already seen,” the French call this, déjà vu, and you won’t know where it belongs or how it got there. All it takes is a familiar laugh, a recognizable word and you are transported to who knows where."

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-moving-on-is-like/#P2H3BTDoTifvxHOP.99

"I can be mad at you, unreasonably angry. I can wonder how you can love someone with all your heart, cradle their body against yours and create an aggregate of biology, and then just suddenly…not. I can rehash this strange concept in my head and hate you completely and sincerely, sit shaking in my room with the curtains drawn and wonder blindly about the meaning of words; wonder if you ever meant it, if you meant it at the time, if you just lied to me and never meant it. I’ll make myself feverish with the thinking but know underneath it that no, you weren’t lying, you did mean it at the time and now you don’t. And that will be the saddest thing."

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-i-can-do-when-we-break-up/#rhppPsw7TCgzDpib.99

"Don’t say goodbye at all. Keep the relationship going and going and going, until there’s nothing left and you’re in two completely different places. You’re sitting next to each other on the couch but you might as well be in Somalia and them in Delaware. The emotional distance is actually terrifying. Now you know that you can understand someone so completely and then not at all. Just like that. And even though it’s terrible, none of you have the guts to cut it off so you just act out the love; you dig deep inside of yourself to access a time when it felt real and you try to bring it to the surface. It’s really quite dreadful and pathetic. Sometimes, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that never get said."

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-to-say-goodbye-to-someone-you-love/#MpmMIzbRDcKTfBQC.99

"I wonder who you’re going to be without me. If you’re ever going to really change, or if you’re going to find someone who is going to fit into your life perfectly. I wonder if you’re going to stop drinking so much, or make up with your father, or if you’re going to grad school, or if you’re going to have a falling out with your best friend, or move far away to start over. I wonder if you’ll have a period of sadness and wish to talk to me about it. I want to be able to say that you can call me anytime, that I will always be here for you no matter what, but that wouldn’t be good for either of us, now would it?"

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/things-i-wonder-now-that-youre-gone/#hgPf2loyjYUYgfwx.99

Mixtape for the Brokenhearted + Something Extra Extra!

First, I'd like to apologize for all the sad and personal posts lately. It's been a rough week for me and PMS was just a lovely bonus. I'm now in bed, not in my room, but in our guest room. We kinda believe this room has healing powers since this is where my sickly grandparents recuperated before. I guess it's silly to believe such but it wouldn't hurt to try.

I also had a very pleasant surprise earlier today when mom unearthed a rosary which I got in the uni orientation during my first year. I though I'd lost it when my old bag got stolen long ago. I remembered someone talking about the rosary being of great help to him at one point in his life. He said he didn't really mind the rosary until that crucial point and it has helped him a lot. I'd like to believe that this unexpected appearance of my rosary is a sign of divine intervention. God knows I need him now. 

ANYWAY! Enough of the personal stuff! Even I'm tired of talking about my sad, pathetic life. I decided to make a "songs to cry on" playlist because I found myself needing this recently. Crying is such a good release. Err, okay enough with the pity party! Here's the...

Lolz. With additional sad lines to complete the depressing atmosphere.

1. The Weepies - Gotta Have You
"No amount of coffee, no amount of crying. No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine. No, no, no, no, no, nothing else would do I gotta have you."

2. The Weepies - Orbiting
"Now I feel you gone. Cos I know which side you're on and it's not mine."

3. Passion Pit - Constant Conversations
"I never wanna hurt you baby. I'm just a mess with a name and a price."

4. Michael Bublé - Always On My Mind
"Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times. And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine."

5. Miley Cyrus Cover - You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go
"I could stay with you forever and never realize the time"

6. Leighton Meester - Words I Couldn't Say
"There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms and I let it all slip away. What do I do now that you're gone? No back up plan, no second chance. No one else to blame. All I could hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn't say"

7. Maroon 5 - Just A Feeling
"The things we said and did have left permanent scars. Obsessed, depressed at the same time. I can't even walk in a straight line. I've been lying in the dark no sunshine, no sunshine, no sunshine."

9. Norah Jones - Thinking About You
"Here I am looking for signs of leaving. You hold my hand but do you really need me?"

8. Wolfman ft. Pete Doherty - For Lovers
Not apt, but just a good to cry to when you realize when you don't have a lover (anymore).

9. Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me
"I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something that it won't."

10. Norah Jones - Why Can't He Be You
"He gives me love that I never got from you. He loves me, too. His love is true. Why can't he be you?"


+ Something Extra Extra!

Though Catalog hits all the spots when it comes to sadness and heartaches. Here are a few of my favorites. 12 depressing essays about love, risks, pain and of course, hope of recovery.

Google Images

1. "It's Over, Stop Texting Me"
2. "I'm Taking A Sad Day"
3. "Things You Learn After Your First Heartbreak"
4. "Things I Wonder Now That You're Gone"
5. "What I Can Do When We Break Up"
6. "How To Say Goodbye To Someone You Love"
7. "What Moving On Is Like"
8. "Find Others Amidst The Lost Hurting"
9. "The First Heartbreak"
10. "Relationship Limbo: The Breakup That Hasn't Happened Yet"
11. "The One Person You Never Really Get Over"
12. "What'd You Do Last Weekend? Me? I Got Dumped"

...

Personal.

2011 all over again

Today looks like a good day to wallow in self pity. Join me! Today's to-do list:

• NOT exercise. Or.. Okay maybe just a bit.
• Cook pasta!
• Continue reading "American Psycho"
• Listen to songs on repeat
• WATCH ZOMBADINGS!

In a few days classes will resume and oh my goodness I don't think I'm ready yet! This is a really lazy post. I've had a rough night and I just want to be okay today. Emotionally drained from what happened and curling up in bed with a bowl of pasta feels like the best thing to do. Operation: "Mend a broken heart" starts today!

..

Personal.

Things that tick me off

1. Personality check, please! When people get defensive when someone calls them a bitch or if someone bad mouths them, especially when they say quotes like "If you dont like me, theres nothing i can do news flash bitch I don't live to please you." Or something stupid like that. I hate when people cannot see their faults. What if you REALLY are a bitch? Wouldn't you want to adjust your attitude towards others? People won't call you out on something if they do not see anything wrong with your attitude.
2. Fishermen and fisherwomen (mostly women). Yesterday, this girl posted a picture of her in Instagram and captioned it with basically "I'M FAT" when she is very very very far from being fat. I mean, I'm not the skinniest girl here but I know I'm not fat fat. Her face is oval, she doesn't even have big cheeks. I seriously don't get it. I have big cheeks and I can pass off as fat. It's either she's just fishing for compliments OR she has serious esteem problems. I think the former.
3. Mullet tops. This is just a personal peeve. It just doesn't look good on me.
4. People who don't say "thank you". I've seen this many cases especially when I'm on a bus when men give their seats for women and the latter doesn't even say thank you! Personally, thank you's brighten up my day. It makes me feel appreciated. People!!! Say thank you more often!!
5. People who don't smile. I like smiling and it is 10x better when the other person smiles back. It doesn't hurt to smile at strangers, too but I only do that if if we've shared something in common like if we both saw a funny situation. I don't know if I'm making sense so bottomline is: SMILE. ALL THE TIME. IT BRIGHTENS OTHER PEOPLE'S DAY.
6. Misplaced/misconceived Filipino pride. I'm all for nationalism but sometimes people can take it overboard. I remembered one time people made a big deal when a Jollibee branch was seen in a Glee episode. It wasn't even a big part of the episode, it just so happen that one of their musical numbers had a Jollibee branch in the background. And then we have this. I guess it's good to acknowledge a fellow Filipino's success but I don't think it needs a place in the newspapers. Maybe I just haven't read one, but I have never seen a "US VP candidate's chief of staff is a Mexican/Chinese/Yugoslavian". I don't think it's that much of a big deal. It's like saying "Wow! A Filipina came that far! Isn't that amazing?!" All of my countrymen have potential to be something big. You don't have to pick every achievement, just comes off to me negatively; like Filipinos rarely achieve success that's why there's a need to pinpoint everything.
7. Shit news. I heard this on the radio before and me and my dad got ticked off. Why is this relevant? Why are you including this in the evening news? Nobody cares. People with brains don't care. Waste of fucking airtime.

Things that I find odd

1. People who don't like drinking water. Water is sooo good for you. It aids digestion, it makes your skin look better... I can go on with the benefits!
2. People who can sleep for more than 9 hours a day. It's acceptable if you've had a very stressful week and you need to catch up on sleep but on regular days, I think it can be a waste of precious time.

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Personal.