Saturday, April 11, 2015

Eat Pray Love

Having been (kind of) dumped has led me.. pushed me to find other activities that could fill my time up. I wanted to do stuff that were productive, positive, and ultimately will result to being an overall better person physically, mentally.. all aspects. That was a daunting task. I am way far from my comfort zone and I find myself actively and consciously trying to do stuff just so I can keep my mind busy. It is really difficult to feel sad almost every 15 minutes so I have to keep myself busy in order to stay sane.

I've been filling my time with work, and when I'm not busy doing that I try to work out since it boosts endorphins or some happy hormone WHICH IS ACTUALLY PRETTY LEGIT. I feel really good after working out but let's be fuhreal. I am not the type of person who can work out for the most part of my day. I can't. My body refuses to. After About 20 to 30 minutes of booty shaking, and drinking up the positive vibe it gives me afterwards, I'm back to feeling sad and lonely. Shit son.

So I tried reading.

It just came to me one day. On my birthday, actually. I was feeling pretty shitty that afternoon and was also feeling very melancholic and lonely and other words synonymous to that. I bought a book the day before which was The Happiness Project but I just couldn't connect to the author. She was happily married, with two daughters, she was very systematic and enjoyed running.. She was basically the opposite of me. It was cool how she was giving pointers on how to live THE BEST AND HAPPIEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE! or something like that but It didn't really inspire me. I was on the part wherein she was just a few weeks into her project but I just couldn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. But I still do plan on finishing the book hopefully it gets fun in the middle so I wouldn't waste my P355.

I just wanted to read something that I could connect to. A book written by someone who has gone through what I am going through and I wanna know how she healed herself and became the person that she is now. I remembered that I had a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and it was like a match made in heaven. 

Being recently uncoupled, I am now really into the philosophical, Buddhist thing lately. I wanted to learn the how to detach expectations and desires from people and material things. It has always been something that was easier said than done but I really wanted to learn how to do it. I don't think I've been single since I was 15. There was always a guy who occupied my time and I haven't gone through the true moving on process. 

I reread Eat, Pray, Love. I don't think I even finished the book nor the movie. It was just perfect for me. The author went through a divorce and another shitty relationship afterwards then she realized she should take a break from all of this and just put herself first. She was also into the whole spiritual thing.. basically everything that I wanted to do for myself now. I wanted to be my own support group. I want to be enough for myself so I can be enough for my next partner.

I've been highlighting parts of the book, parts that have I have identified with, touched me or inspired me. It feels really therapeutic to read a book from someone who actually went through something worse than what I am going through and have found her way to becoming whole. Here are a few excerpts:

"This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude"

"I am alone, I am all alone, I am completely alone."

"Similarly, when the question is raised, 'What kind of God do you believe in?' my answer is easy: 'I believe in a magnificent God'."

"'Go back to bed', said this omniscient interior voice, because you don't need to know the final answer right now, at three o'clock in the morning on a Thursday in November. Go back to bed because I love you. Go back to bed because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer."

"Imagine his surprise to discover that the happiest most confident woman he'd ever met was actually-when you got her alone-a murky hole of bottomless grief."

"I was despondent and dependent, needing more care than an armful of premature infant triplets. His withdrawal only made me more needy, and my neediness only advanced his withdrawals, until soon he was retreating under fire of my weeping pleas of, 'Where are you going? What happened to us?'"

"It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have reached infatuation's final destination-the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

"I would lie there beside David's beautiful, inaccessible sleeping body and I would spin into a panic of loneliness and meticulously detailed suicidal thoughts. Every part of my body pained me."

"But there emerged a pattern: I would separate from David, get my strength and confidence back, and then (attracted as always by my strength and confidence) his passion for me would rekindle. Respectfully, soberly and intelligently, we would discuss trying again, always with some new plan for minimizing our apparent incompatibilities. We were so committed to solving this thing. Because how could two people who were so in love not end up happily ever after? It had to work."

"I would cling to him and I'd end up destroyed all over again. And he'd end up gone."

"Om Namah Sivaya, meaning, 'I honor the divinity that resides within me'"

"I wanted to have a lasting experience of God. Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time."

"You worry too much. Always you get too emotional, too nervous. If I promise you that you will never have any reason in your life to ever worry about anything, will you believe me?"

"Four feet on the ground, a head full of foliage, looking at the world through the heart."

"Often I was still overcome with a desire to sacrifice everything for the love of him. Other times, I had quite the opposite instinct-to put as many continents and oceans as possible between me and this guy, in the hope of finding peace and happiness."

"'Where did you get the idea you aren't allowed to petition the universe with prayer? You are part of this universe, Liz. You're a constituent-you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the universe, and to let your feelings be known. So put your opinion out there. Make your case. Believe me-it will at least be taken into consideration."

"I became filled with a grand sense of protection, surrounded by the collective goodwill of so many mighty souls."

"'Dal center della mia vita venne ulna grande fontana'… 'From the center of my ife, there came a great fountain'"

"God is not merely a blinding vision of glorious light, but that He is, most of all, 'L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stele' … 'The love that moves the sun and the other stars'".

"He asks why, exactly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life."

"I tried so hard to fight the endless sobbing. I remember asking myself one night, while I was curled up in the same old corner of my same old couch in tears yet again over the same old repetition of sorrowful thoughts. 'Is there anything about this scene you can change, Liz?' and all I could think to do was stand up, while still sobbing, and try to balance on one food in the middle of my living room. Just to prove that while I couldn't stop the tears or change my dismal interior dialogue, I was not yet totally out of control: at least I could cry hysterically while balanced on one foot. Hey, it was a start."

"The world isn't a nursery. But the very fact that his world is so challenging is exactly why you sometimes must reach out of its jurisdiction for help, appealing to a higher authority in order to find your comfort."

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it-I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

"You must be very polite with yourself when you are learning something new."

"'So this is what you gave up everything for? This is why you gutted our entire life together? For a few stalks of asparagus and an Italian newspaper?"
"I replied to him 'First of all,' I said, 'I'm very sorry but this isn't your business anymore. And second, to answer your question… Yes.'"

"When I get lonely these days, I think: 'So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.'"

"But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything."

"I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself."

"Dear God, I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone."

"Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find a way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope."

"I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve.
...Even in the Eternal City, says the Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

"We loved each other. That was never the question. It's just that we couldn't figure out how to stop making each other desperately, shriekingly, soul-punishingly miserable."

"What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly and hardly ever have sex, but we can't live without each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together-in misery, but happy not to be apart."

"But it just destroys me to not be able to count on that affection when I need it."

"I not only can find happiness without David, but must. No matter how much I love him (and I do love him, in stupid excess), I have to say goodbye to this person now. And I have to make it stick."

"Why can't you just admit that you don't want to live in unhappiness anymore? That neither of you does. And it's better to realize it now, by the way, than in the delivery room when you're at 5cm."

"It's the emotional recoil that kills you, the shock of stepping off the track of a conventional lifestyle and losing all the embracing comforts that keep so many people on track forever."

"But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then do it again the next day?"

"...and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab on to the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt-this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

"I adore the cause of the universe... I adore the one whose eyes are the sun, the moon and fire... you are everything to me, O god of gods..."

"We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character. We don't realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace."

"You bear God within you, poor wretch, and know it not."

"Yoga is about self-mastery and the dedicated effort to haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and your nonstop worrying about the future so that you can seek, instead, a place of eternal presence from which you may regard yourself and your surroundings with poise."

"The word 'Guru' is composed of two Sanskrit syllables. The first means 'darkness', the second one means 'light'. Out of the darkness and into the light"

"The universe will shift, destiny's molecules will get themselves organized and your path will soon intersect with the path of the master you need."

"You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts and you are the slave to your emotions."

"You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice being strong, instead."

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India."
"But I really loved him."
"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait til you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."
"I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed he was my soulmate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump-you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light everytime you think about him, and the drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because they you'll be really alone and you are scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block the door. Let it go."
"But I wish me and him could..."
"See, now that's your problem. You're wishing too much. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

"Life didn't go your way for once. And nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin' her way."

"I don't want you walking around inside my head anymore."
"Shut the door, then."

"You meet lots of apathetic people in this world, of course, but you also meet some people who seem to be able to gracefully accept the terms upon which the universe operates and who genuinely don't seem troubled by its paradoxes and injustices."

"I have searched frantically for contentment for so many years in so many ways, and all these acquisitions and accomplishments-they run you down in the end. Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death."

"You gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you."

"Sit quietly for now and cease your relentless participation. Watch what happens. The birds do not crash dead out of the sky in midflight, after all. The trees do not wither and die, the rivers do not run red with blood. Life continued to go on."

"Why are you so sure that your micromanagement of every moment in this whole world is so essential? Why don't you let it be?"

"...Which is getting embarrassing, to be quite honest. I mean-here I am in this sacred place of study in the middle of India, and all I can think about is my ex boyfriend? What am I, in eighth grade?"

"There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history 'How much do you love me?' and 'Who's in charge?' Everything else is somehow manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all, trip us and cause war, grief and suffering."

"When I sit in my silence and look at my mind, it is only questions of longing and control that emerge to agitate me, and this agitation is what keeps me from evolving forward."

"How do you keep this motivation to stay with it?"
"What's the alternative? To quite whenever something gets challenging? To futz around your whole life, miserable, and incomplete?"

"In our real lives, we are constantly hopping around to adjust ourselves around discomfort-physical, emotional, and psychological-in order to evade the reality of grief and nuisance. Vipassana meditation teaches that grief and nuisance are inevitable in this life, but if you can plant yourself in stillness long enough, you will, in time, experience the truth that everything (both uncomfortable and lovely) does eventually pass."

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook.) I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

"Control your thoughts?"
"This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. Instead, admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they come from and why they arrived, and then-with great forgiveness and fortitude-dismissing them."

"I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."

"Guilt's just your ego's way of tricking you into thinking that you're making moral progress. Don't fall for it, my dear."

"But at some point you have to make peace with what you were given, and if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn't."



Monday, April 6, 2015

From Me To Me: For Current and Future Heartbreaks

Can't believe I am in this situation again. The grief and loneliness lingers and stays 17 hours a day, 7 days a week. I try to stay positive and tell myself that "This Too Shall Pass" but the pull of sadness is just too strong. I just can't wait to be happy again.

I think I have exhausted my "cry on the shoulder of your friends" pass. I am now very aware and slightly embarrassed when I have to rant to them about how sad I am. Of course they don't tell me upfront that I'm being annoying/overbearing/pitiful, but I don't want to be that person who just rely on their friends all the goddamn time. There are some things that you should figure out on your own.

With that lengthy intro, I have rendered the services of google to search for articles that can help me, little by little, on how to accept and move on. What I have realized is that I am not in this alone, I am not the only person in this planet who has experienced heartbreak like this. Most people have gone through much worse, so what's stopping me from being okay?

ANYWAY. Here are some articles and excerpts which I could read every now and then when the pain and loneliness seem unbearable.

1. How To Get Over A Broken Heart

"In any case, it's over now, and save for a bit of humiliation about the circumstances of the ending, there is nothing left to do but mourn."

"Time passes, and passes, and the pain of not being with them becomes more of a dull ache, something that is uncomfortable but can be lived with, like a still serious prognosis that is mercifully no longer terminal. You begin to feel capable again, like all of your successes and joys aren't palpably dulled because they be shared with the person you love. Even the sweet, if distant, concept of loving another person becomes a possibility - something you couldn't do right now but one day might be able to, and the idea is pleasant and comforting. Everything is turning up, and though things are difficult, the pain is no longer completely obscuring the beauties of your life. That is, of course, until you see it."

"Reflecting on the relationship is no longer a part of your day, it's no longer something you draw energy and purpose from."


"'Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.' -Dalai Lama"

"We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes"

"When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That's why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in."

"Accept the moment for what it is. Don't try to turn it into yesterday; that moment's gone. Don't plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain."

"Hold lightly. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone's other half. You are separate and whole."

"Justify less. I can't let him go-I'll be miserable without him. I'd die if I lost her-she's all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you're strong enough to carry on if and when things change."

"Open your mind. We often cling to things, situations or people because we're comfortable with them. We know how they'll make us feel, whether it's happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what's come and gone."

"Release the need to know. Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today"

"Understand that pain is unavoidable. No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn't have to be as bad as you thing. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."


"Letting him go was one of the hardest things I had to do. But it wasn't just letting him go; it was letting it all go. The future we had planned. The security of the love I knew I'd wake up to every morning."


"Part of me felt that we had a connection that may not come again, or at the most, wouldn't come easily. Another part of me wondered if perhaps he didn't realize what he had or how rare what he had in me was."

"Regardless, even if I had my answers to any of these questions, I knew there was a part of me that could never look at him again with the adoration I once did. Regardless of any of these questions, even if answered, it was over. Instead of being stuck in the phase of wondering how this all happened and bargaining in sadness, I stopped and looked at the big picture."

"I went from thinking in terms of 'If we had just changed this, it could have worked' to 'What can I make sure not repeat and what can I take away from this?'. 


"As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else.
See I know what we've got to do.
You let go, and I'll let to too.
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will."
- Lauryn Hill

"Nobody is your savior, except you and perhaps a God you do or do not pray to."

"I belong deeply to myself"

"I do my thing and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. And if the end we end up together, it's beautiful"

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."



Friday, March 27, 2015

I Got My Heart Broken Today: Self Healing (Day 1)



I am writing this blog because today I got my heart broken, for the second time. Third, if we're counting it based on how many times I've ugly cried for days for a boy -but second if we're counting it by how ridiculously shitty and worthless I've felt. What's the point of writing this? I don't really know. Maybe as a way to memorialize this shitty feeling that I do not wish upon my loved ones, or maybe as a way of documenting my heartbreaks and be reminded of how it felt to be in that helpless moment. When your body physically feels broken and you catch your breath too many times in between ugly sobs.  I've been in this position before. The difference was I thought I was in love the first time, but now I'm sure I was (am). 

This whole story started yesterday. When out of nowhere he felt like it wasn't working out. This caught me off guard as I've always thought we were okay. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect and it could get difficult at times but I thought we made it work. See, I've had a lot of realizations coming, during, (and leaving) this relationship. This is the first time that I was willing to try. To accept the risk of heart ache. There was a 50/50 chance anyway. 50% chance it'd end in heartbreak and separation or that other half that I was desperately hoping for, that chance that we'll make it through the odds. I really wanted to spend my life with him. Granted it has only been 2 months short of 2 years together, I really felt strongly that this was the man I was going to marry. I had my head wrapped up with that fairytale idea that I noticed and loved all his quirks. I tried to learn what makes him tick, what annoys him, what pushes his buttons, to remind me what to avoid doing in the future. It was silly, but I was both consciously and unconsciously preparing myself to accept him.. all of him, his flaws, his talents, his shortcomings, his achievements.. I was sure I wanted it all for the rest of my life. 

Then he wakes up one day and tells you he no longer feels the same.

Well shit just hit the fan. I panicked. I got mad. I begged. I offered a compromise. Whatever it took to keep this man, this man whom I gave all my heart to, by my side. I was willing to promise him the world but he wouldn't take it. What was left for me to do? The only rational thing a broken hearted woman should do: call your friends. I can't express my gratitude enough on how much I appreciate everything they did and told me. I just wanted someone I can vent my feelings to, and they were for me. I do admit I can be a shitty friend most of the time. I don't really reach out. Luckily I was blessed with friends who understood that and did not take it against me that we would only talk every few months. I was proudly proclaiming that my boyfriend was my best friend. And he was. The only problem was, when he left, he took my best friend with him. I am devastated. I honestly thought this time it'll be different. That I would give my whole heart to someone and in the hopes that to reciprocate that highest form of offering, he would in turn not break my heart. But life doesn't work that way. Love doesn't work that way. In the end we, as rational individuals, we put our own interests first. In this case, putting his interests first meant leaving me and all the promises we have made, all emotional investment I made.

I am not the type of girl who flirts around. That is not my game. I want an upfront relationship. I thought that a man would appreciate that level of maturity especially considering I am only 22. But at the same time, I am already 22. This is no time to play games. I also thought we shared the same value and level of maturity but apparently we do not. I wanted commitment. I wanted consistency. I wanted to share the same vision of our future together. I wanted US, as a team.

BREAK-UPS SUCK 

Being in this shitty position makes me wish I was one of those people who just didn't care. Their boyfriends left them? WHO CARES. I WASN'T INVESTED IN THAT RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY. But there's something about feeling this vulnerable and weak that somehow challenges me to do better. I don't want to be one of those women that when their boyfriends left them they wasted their life away with alcohol and bad decisions. I don't want to do that. I want to be the woman who progressed after break-up. Who developed hobbies, someone who achieved their goals. My goal is to be pretty smoking hot, too so after this he can see what he left behind and either say "I want her back" or "I am proud to say our paths crossed. I do not regret a thing." That's want I want, I don't want to be someone's regret.

THE ART OF UGLY CRYING

Of course UGLY CRYING happens. It's involuntary. A happy memory slips through your train of thought.. ugly cry. See his name on social media.. ugly cry. Check if he has deleted that Instagram photo of you together (and see that he hasn't yet*).. ugly cry. What makes ugly crying extra difficult is if you have to do it in work or between conversations with other people! It is sad now but maybe a silly story to tell in the future when I tell my friends I ugly cried in the car on the way to SSS. I stopped crying while parking my car BECAUSE I choose heartbreak over insurance issues if I hit a car, ok. Then cry again while walking. Then cry while waiting. Stop crying while talking to the SSS employee. And controlled sobs on the way back home because you'll be facing your mom then. SEE, ugly crying is a challenge most people do not realize. Another tip is to ugly cry before taking a cold shower. I believe the cold water suppresses the puffiness of your eyes or something. If not, you can always blame puffy, red eyes from accidental eyeball contact wish shampoo. It's also kind of dramatic to cry while you're under the shower? For a moment I smirked at how silly I am and how I looked like I'm from a tv series. How I wish this heartbreak was scripted. God dammit I miss him.

FAMILY AWKWARDNESS

I was never comfortable showing my parents my after cry face. I've kinda mastered the ways on controlled crying in order for them not to see puffy under eyes. Usually I cry myself in bed at night but making it a point to give some allowance time for the swelling to subside. Which takes a bout 30 minutes maybe? I usually watch my favorite series or search the internet, consciously keeping my mind of the heart ache so I don't start another bout of crying. It usually works. I wake up with a bit red and puffy eyes but I can usually blame that from sleep. This is what I usually do to prevent those awkward encounters with parents and they ask you "Have you been crying?" but you deny the hell out of it because how do you explain that a boy broke your heart? Especially a boy whom they never really got around to knowing. UGH. Heartbreak and crying is a calculated science, my family-distant friend.

THE AFTERMATH

Do you text them? Do you let them know you're crazy about them and willing to work things out till it exhausts every emotional fiber in your body? Will you beg for them to stay? I am guilty of this. I say anything and everything that could make him change his mind. But in the end, what he did was a personal decision. He is detaching from your team, a team you thought you both were in. I was in it for the long haul. He wasn't. But you can't take that against him. It was HIS decision. You can't make his decisions in order for it to be convenient for you. You can't. Being in a relationship means you just try to make it together. But if one decides to leave, there's no relationship. One sided relationships are a bust. Nothing good can come out of it. But maybe if I can only see this from an outsider's perspective, maybe breaking our team wouldn't seem like the most absurd idea ever.


*I am praying to God he doesn't delete it.



Saturday, March 21, 2015

Life Update 3/21/2015

Wow I haven't posted since forever!

A life update:

I am doing well emotionally, physically, mentally, and socially. Life has been pretty good the past few weeks. 2014 was such a bummer year, it had its highs but mostly it was fully of disappointment so I was really glad that 2015 was off to a good start.

High Points of 2015 so far
  • Business deals with new clients for both businesses I work for
  • Kendrick Lamar releasing a new album
  • Mindy Project Season 3 has been on point 
  • So has been Empire
  • Being able to spend time with my HS friends and just last night, my college friends. I am trying to make it a point to see friends more often than I did last year. At my age, it pays to just have a good, solid group of friends.
Low Points

  • Having no time to exercise / not even trying to be fit / not eating well. U G H. I know it's such an inexcusable excuse BUT I JUST CAN'T FIND TIME AND/OR ENERGY AND/OR MOTIVATION to lose weight huhu hope this changes soon cos I'm D-O-N-E being a pudgy cake.
  • Mindy Project and Empire season finales are coming up like shit. What am I gonna do with my life???
  • Being broke as fuck since January - HOPE THIS CHANGES SOON because my I need to get my hair colored and I can't do that if I don't have money ok ok ok getting new clothes would be nice too...
  • Doubts and insecurities eating me away heh
  • Weather has been humid as fuck since yesterday and I AM NOT HAPPY. I wasn't one of the people who complained about the cold weather last month so I CAN RANT ABOUT THIS HOT AND HUMID WEATHER. Take me back to December sweater weather please :'(
  • Chance The Rapper still not releasing Surf. :''''(
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO *woot* *woot*
  • Surf. Or just a studio version of Paradise
  • New season of You're The Worst. --WHICH IS HAPPENING IN A MONTH'S TIME YAASSSS!!!!! I think Chris Geere is crazy attractive fuck wat u know
  • Turning 23. Wow. What. I can no longer sing that Taylor Swift song??! I'm hoping to spend my birthday eating pizza and beer. As I get older birthdays seem to matter less and less to me. I used to be crazy excited to see who greets me on Facebook.. well.. I was excited to see if my crush/es would greet me but now meh. The only person I expect to greet me is my boyfriend. If he doesn't post a greeting on my wall I will hulk smash his cute face
  • Spending more time with friends and become a super well rounded person BUT NOT PHYSICALLY ugh NO MORE MS. PUDGE CAKE mmm... cake.... goddammit!
  • Making Money / Getting Opportunities / Spending on Investments / Be More Business Savvy (lol) etc etc etc
  • An overseas travel some time this year, hopefully.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

I am much more aware of myself as I get older. I now feel like I know myself more, what I'm capable of, how much more I am willing to learn, how smarter I am compare to I was a year before. 2014 has thrown my life a few curve balls but I found myself finding ways to figure it all out. I've turned out to be a very mature person, very far from what I was a few years back. I just wish to continue on this very positive path. - Ew I hope that doesn't sound too confident/arrogant. I AM open to learning more.. I know there are a lot more to learn in this world. I can't wait.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

No To The Hype

H&M recently opened here in Manila and people flocked it like vultures on a carcass. Personally, I wouldn't line up over night for a store opening. That's basically lining up to spend money and spending money = me no likey.

Circumstances I would line up for would probably be for something free... Like NFA rice, or something.

I would like to talk further about overly hyped stuff. So here's a list of things I don't really like but people seem to fawn over. Obviously I respect other people's opinions, interests, and preferences but THIS IS MY BLOG SO I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT WHAT I LIKE, WHAT I HATE, JUST ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!

Anyway...

A List of Things I Don't Like That Other People Seem To Love

  1. N u t e l l a - I don't get what's so special about nutella or hazelnut-flavored anything. Come to think of it, I've never tried real hazelnut before. Anyway, yah, I prefer peanut butter because peanut butter is dabomb.com. I've also gotten over cookie butter, thank god.
  2. Hate over Apple products - I really like apple products. They are so pretty to look at. 
  3. Bacon - Don't get me wrong, I'm a normal human being and I actually like bacon. I just don't get the hype. I don't think bacon makes everything better. That is all.
  4. GoT, OITNB, BrBa, etc., - I think I may have ADD. I have difficulty standing shows more than 30mins so I can't digest shows like these. I do enjoy intriguing story lines but at the end of the day I want my funnies so my favorites shows in the entire world are those that last less than half an hour and don't involve crazy story plots or story plots you have to analyze hard or remember. I just don't like complicated TV shows. I go for straight chick shows/trash tv. I love it. I'm making an exception on Gotham but I'm also losing interest with it.
  5. EDM - No. Just.. No.
  6. Mcdonald's - I HATE MCDONALD'S!!! Super overpriced and food tastes super duper unhealthy. I much prefer Jollibee because Jollibee promotes happiness and also, their food are bad too but it just doesn't make me regret the meal as much as when I eat Mcdonald's! Also, the Php 40 delivery charge is super overpriced! Usual delivery charge is around 10% of the bill so I'd have to order a meal more than Php 400 for the delivery charge to be sulit and if you're eating Mcdo, it will never be sulit. Except their iced coffee. I love their iced coffee to death.
  7. Maroon 5 and basically Adam Levine - I loved Maroon 5 during their first two albums, after those, I couldn't care less. Also, I think Adam Levine loves himself too much it makes me uncomfortable. I hate people who find themselves attractive.
I can't think of any at the moment as I am panicking because there's no torrent yet of The Mindy Project S03E06 AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AVAILABLE TODAY??? BRB PANICKING!!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Lazy Mondays Realizations

I know I'm not the only one feeling the Monday blues... everyone in my twitter feed keeps ranting on how "the weekend flew by", "dragging myself out of bed", "I HATE MONDAYS!!!!!!!!"

It is quite hard to wake up on Mondays but my mindset is that if you love what you do, waking up for another work day shouldn't be that hard. (Super cliche, I know) I do find myself dragging my butt out of bed during Mondays and it made me think if I'm really doing what I want to do in life and if not, WHAT DO I WANT? - A question I have yet to answer. Or maybe it isn't about if I'm doing what I love? Maybe I'm dragging myself out of bed during Mondays because it's the start of the week a.k.a. after two days of waking up whenever I want to, I'd have to wake up early and my body needs to adjust to that?

Meanwhile, I've made a few lifestyle changes to just put me in a positive mood throughout the day.

Here's a list:

1. I've started waking up at 5:30-5:45am. It wasn't easy at first, but I have accustomed to it after a week or so. I decided to do this since I find that having more time to do trivial things like making my own breakfast, catching the AM news, slipping a bit of work-out, etc. just gives me a sense of accomplishment early on and puts me in a more organized mindset compared to when I woke up at 6:45am, barely having time to get ready and no time to cook my lunch which then makes me buy unhealthy Mini Stop Chicken (damn u, Uncle John). It was a vicious cycle that I'm glad I got out of.

2. I'm able to wake up early because I sleep early. When we got back from Europe, I had a bad case of the jet lag. I couldn't sleep til 2am for almost a week, and I would wake up pretty late, too. I had to stop myself from taking mid-day naps in order to correct that. Now, I'm clocking sleep at around 9:30-10:30pm. But even if I stay up later than that, I still make sure to wake up at 5:30am just to not disrupt my current body clock. I found that this sleeping schedule is better for my health, too! I'm not that prone to sickness and my skin looks better. Yay!

3. As I mentioned, I cook my meals for the day in the morning. There's something about cooking my own meals that I've found enjoyable. Meals in this household are not really that healthy - by that I mean they cook white rice. I've tried staying away from white rice for a few months now and try to only eat it during weekends or when going out because I DO NOT HAVE BOUNDARIES WHEN I'M EATING OUT. I'm a beast. So yes, I feel much more in control of my meals when I'm the one making it (duh) and it makes me feel very domesticated, very wifey material.

4. Avoiding coffee - which is a very tough feat. This time last year I was addicted to caffeine. I would drink coffee 3x a day - an insane amount considering I'm drinking instant coffee - basically poison mixed with a lot of sugar. I realized I was caffeine dependent when I would get terrible, terrible headaches after not getting my fix. Other than that, I noticed I've been gaining weight??? I attribute that to the sugar and the unhealthy sleeping schedule (I used to wake up at 3:30am, WTF). I WAS A MESS and I knew I had to change things up if I wanted to lose weight and just be healthy, in general. So I swore off coffee and switched to green tea. It was a difficult decision at first because plain steeped green tea tasted soooo bad but I have grown to like it. I still drink coffee once in a while, it's my go-to drink when I'm super stressed out, but I make green tea my first choice to get my caffeine fix.

Sooo yeah. These are the things that have helped me feel energized in the morning! I'm very proud of myself to have adapted to a healthier lifestyle compared to what I had before. It's these little changes that I've made that has given me a more positive outlook in life.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Life Update

HELLO FROM MY WORK DESK! IT'S A MONDAY! YAAAY!

I am on a work break right now. I'm so glad I've finished encoding receipts, which I've been doing since Wednesday? Thursday? Last week. It wasn't as stressful as I thought it'd be so that's geuuud.

I haven't posted much here but I have made blog posts but they were just so shitty and most did not make sense so I didn't even bother publishing them. Not that this post made sense...NYX Setting Spray

I don't have much planned for today other than maybe finishing some SSS stuff... which I can always postpone til tomorrow? I've been such a lazy butt lately. I really need to get out of this funk.

I've a lot of things planned for my life, both short term and long term but I just can't seem to find energy or motivation to JUST. START. ACTING. ON. IT. I'm my own worst critic and I tend to discourage myself a lot, so yeah.

Things that I'm looking forward to this week: BUFFET DINNER ON SATURDAY for my brother's birthday. How much of a fat loser am I, getting so fucking excited for a dinner buffet?

I'm trying to be super smart with my money lately and I've succeeded with just buying shit that I NEED or REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT. I've avoided buying junk food (using my own money... I still get junk food but only when my parents pay for it hihi) and would only spend on food when I'm buying healthy stuff and when I'm on a date because it's a date?? Why be so stingy?? Anyway, for fun and some excitement content, here's

"A List Of Things I Think I Need But Probably Don't 
And I'm Still Pondering If I Should Actually Buy Them"

  1. Felt Tip Eyeliner
  2. Mascara
  3. Body Shop Toner (mainly because it was on sale)
  4. Highwaist Jeans
  5. Highwaist Shorts
  6. Teatox
  7. Nyx Setting Spray
  8. VSCO Filter Presets
  9. Iphone 5s
So yes. I guess all of these are not really "splurges" except the last one but them shit aren't cheap!!! I also have to buy tickets to The 1975 concert next year so there's another Php 3,500.00 going down the drain - a very worthy drain to go down to. 

HMM SO WHAT HAVE I BEEN UP TO....

I've downloaded about 8 past episodes of The Mindy Project (god, linking is so much fun) a.k.a. THE BEST SHOW EVER. I don't think I've ever loved a show this much apart from New Girl. New Girl's newest season is very "meh", though so all my love has been for TMP. It's just so funny and quirky and JUST THE BEST EVER. I recommend watching it if you're a person aged 0-100... weeell... 18-100 since the latest episode was about an*l sex. L O L.

LET ME JUST FANGIRL ABOUT MINDY KALING, OK?

She is amazing. She's sooooo funny! - I'm basing this from how funny her book was, which I finished in about two days?? It could've been in one day but I had to put it down as we were traveling then. SO YAH I feel like I've found my soulmate. We could totes be bffs. For realzies.

SONG CHOICES!!!!!

I'm really loving La Roux's Sexotheque. It has been on repeat for a week or so already. Her new album's not that bad, too! I'm pretty excited for She & Him's upcoming album which would drop this coming fall... WHEN IS FALL EXACTLY? Who gives such a vague album release date?! Oh and Kendrick Lamar's dropping an album too, I believe? So of course I'm looking forward to that. I'm also waiting for Chance The Rapper to release A N Y T H I N G with The Social Experiment because they sound dabomb.com.

2014 has so far been such a challenging for me. It has been quite stressful due to matters I cannot divulge on a public blog with 0 readers. Life is so difficult as an adult especially being in my early 20s. I don't have money, I can't splurge, I can't travel etc etc etc. IS LIFE EVER GOING TO GET BETTER? Hope seems bleak right now but I'm hanging in there.

I hope by this time next year, I can laugh at how pathetic I was thinking how much my life sucks and how fabulous I turned out to be. 

A girl can only hope.