I am writing this blog because today I got my heart broken, for the second time. Third, if we're counting it based on how many times I've ugly cried for days for a boy -but second if we're counting it by how ridiculously shitty and worthless I've felt. What's the point of writing this? I don't really know. Maybe as a way to memorialize this shitty feeling that I do not wish upon my loved ones, or maybe as a way of documenting my heartbreaks and be reminded of how it felt to be in that helpless moment. When your body physically feels broken and you catch your breath too many times in between ugly sobs. I've been in this position before. The difference was I thought I was in love the first time, but now I'm sure I was (am).
This whole story started yesterday. When out of nowhere he felt like it wasn't working out. This caught me off guard as I've always thought we were okay. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect and it could get difficult at times but I thought we made it work. See, I've had a lot of realizations coming, during, (and leaving) this relationship. This is the first time that I was willing to try. To accept the risk of heart ache. There was a 50/50 chance anyway. 50% chance it'd end in heartbreak and separation or that other half that I was desperately hoping for, that chance that we'll make it through the odds. I really wanted to spend my life with him. Granted it has only been 2 months short of 2 years together, I really felt strongly that this was the man I was going to marry. I had my head wrapped up with that fairytale idea that I noticed and loved all his quirks. I tried to learn what makes him tick, what annoys him, what pushes his buttons, to remind me what to avoid doing in the future. It was silly, but I was both consciously and unconsciously preparing myself to accept him.. all of him, his flaws, his talents, his shortcomings, his achievements.. I was sure I wanted it all for the rest of my life.
Then he wakes up one day and tells you he no longer feels the same.
Well shit just hit the fan. I panicked. I got mad. I begged. I offered a compromise. Whatever it took to keep this man, this man whom I gave all my heart to, by my side. I was willing to promise him the world but he wouldn't take it. What was left for me to do? The only rational thing a broken hearted woman should do: call your friends. I can't express my gratitude enough on how much I appreciate everything they did and told me. I just wanted someone I can vent my feelings to, and they were for me. I do admit I can be a shitty friend most of the time. I don't really reach out. Luckily I was blessed with friends who understood that and did not take it against me that we would only talk every few months. I was proudly proclaiming that my boyfriend was my best friend. And he was. The only problem was, when he left, he took my best friend with him. I am devastated. I honestly thought this time it'll be different. That I would give my whole heart to someone and in the hopes that to reciprocate that highest form of offering, he would in turn not break my heart. But life doesn't work that way. Love doesn't work that way. In the end we, as rational individuals, we put our own interests first. In this case, putting his interests first meant leaving me and all the promises we have made, all emotional investment I made.
I am not the type of girl who flirts around. That is not my game. I want an upfront relationship. I thought that a man would appreciate that level of maturity especially considering I am only 22. But at the same time, I am already 22. This is no time to play games. I also thought we shared the same value and level of maturity but apparently we do not. I wanted commitment. I wanted consistency. I wanted to share the same vision of our future together. I wanted US, as a team.
BREAK-UPS SUCK
Being in this shitty position makes me wish I was one of those people who just didn't care. Their boyfriends left them? WHO CARES. I WASN'T INVESTED IN THAT RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY. But there's something about feeling this vulnerable and weak that somehow challenges me to do better. I don't want to be one of those women that when their boyfriends left them they wasted their life away with alcohol and bad decisions. I don't want to do that. I want to be the woman who progressed after break-up. Who developed hobbies, someone who achieved their goals. My goal is to be pretty smoking hot, too so after this he can see what he left behind and either say "I want her back" or "I am proud to say our paths crossed. I do not regret a thing." That's want I want, I don't want to be someone's regret.
THE ART OF UGLY CRYING
Of course UGLY CRYING happens. It's involuntary. A happy memory slips through your train of thought.. ugly cry. See his name on social media.. ugly cry. Check if he has deleted that Instagram photo of you together (and see that he hasn't yet*).. ugly cry. What makes ugly crying extra difficult is if you have to do it in work or between conversations with other people! It is sad now but maybe a silly story to tell in the future when I tell my friends I ugly cried in the car on the way to SSS. I stopped crying while parking my car BECAUSE I choose heartbreak over insurance issues if I hit a car, ok. Then cry again while walking. Then cry while waiting. Stop crying while talking to the SSS employee. And controlled sobs on the way back home because you'll be facing your mom then. SEE, ugly crying is a challenge most people do not realize. Another tip is to ugly cry before taking a cold shower. I believe the cold water suppresses the puffiness of your eyes or something. If not, you can always blame puffy, red eyes from accidental eyeball contact wish shampoo. It's also kind of dramatic to cry while you're under the shower? For a moment I smirked at how silly I am and how I looked like I'm from a tv series. How I wish this heartbreak was scripted. God dammit I miss him.
FAMILY AWKWARDNESS
I was never comfortable showing my parents my after cry face. I've kinda mastered the ways on controlled crying in order for them not to see puffy under eyes. Usually I cry myself in bed at night but making it a point to give some allowance time for the swelling to subside. Which takes a bout 30 minutes maybe? I usually watch my favorite series or search the internet, consciously keeping my mind of the heart ache so I don't start another bout of crying. It usually works. I wake up with a bit red and puffy eyes but I can usually blame that from sleep. This is what I usually do to prevent those awkward encounters with parents and they ask you "Have you been crying?" but you deny the hell out of it because how do you explain that a boy broke your heart? Especially a boy whom they never really got around to knowing. UGH. Heartbreak and crying is a calculated science, my family-distant friend.
THE AFTERMATH
Do you text them? Do you let them know you're crazy about them and willing to work things out till it exhausts every emotional fiber in your body? Will you beg for them to stay? I am guilty of this. I say anything and everything that could make him change his mind. But in the end, what he did was a personal decision. He is detaching from your team, a team you thought you both were in. I was in it for the long haul. He wasn't. But you can't take that against him. It was HIS decision. You can't make his decisions in order for it to be convenient for you. You can't. Being in a relationship means you just try to make it together. But if one decides to leave, there's no relationship. One sided relationships are a bust. Nothing good can come out of it. But maybe if I can only see this from an outsider's perspective, maybe breaking our team wouldn't seem like the most absurd idea ever.
*I am praying to God he doesn't delete it.
